I’m Dreaming Of A Mediocre Christmas


During the season of family and giving, it’s expected that we’re happy and plaster a big smile onto our face. Make no mistake, I love the holiday season. I just thought it might be entertaining to look at the not-so-sparkly aspects of the holidays. For some good, clean merriment, ya know?

  1. Wanting to wear those cute knitted sweaters, but when you put it on it makes you look like an Oompa Loompa
  2. Having to explain social media posts to relatives that you only see a couple times a year
  3. Having an argument with a family member during a holiday that is supposed to be cheery and bright. No shoutin’ on Jesus’s birthday, ya’ll.
  4. Getting your period and feeling bloated as Tom the Turkey
  5. Being stuck at home during holiday break with the kids/siblings.
  6. January 2…hardcore holiday withdrawal
  7. Almost as bad as January 2nd is feeling so jaded and “holidayed-out” that it doesn’t even seem like the holidays. Christmas music on the radio before Thanksgiving is a little twisted.
  8. Wanting to sparkle from the inside by eating way too many beautifully decorated Christmas cookies…and then hating yourself afterwards. Because sugar and gluten are the devil.
  9. Having to clean up after all the holiday parties.
  10. Depressing Christmas songs that are meant to be happy. I’m talkin’ “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” by The Carpenters. Why?
  11. Psyching yourself up for magical holiday perfection, but then the dog knocks down the Christmas tree, and your dad hangs a used paintbrush from one of the tree limbs as an “ornament”. Both true stories.
  12. Sibling. Rivalry.
  13. When Santa doesn’t give you what you really wanted for Christmas…there, I was selfish and said what we’ve all felt.
  14. Not knowing whether to throw out holiday cards, or cherish them always.
  15. Wanting to impress with holiday hair & makeup that is dazzling and on point, but it never quite comes out like that.
  16. Those commercials that depict perfectly warm, functional holiday scenes, and make you feel like your family get-togethers are a trashy booze fest.
  17. When it’s time to take down the Christmas tree, and it leaves a tornado of tree fir in its tracks.
  18. Trying to figure out what on earth to make for a holiday party. Especially with all the special diets these days.
  19. Having to drive to work listening to Christmas music. This is absolutely sick.
  20. Wanting to snuggle up on the couch watching South Park, drinking wine and eating ice cream, but you have holiday stuff to go to. Bah humbug.

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